I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
