Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I AM VODKA MAN
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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