omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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