every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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