I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
