I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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