I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
