look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
