puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
