OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
