Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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