do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
