I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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