Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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