i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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