Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
