my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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