Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She bit a glass in half.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I AM VODKA MAN
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
