Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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