Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize