i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
