I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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