Princesses don't give blow jobs
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
