just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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