The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
