The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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