i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
