dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
