My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
