im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
