she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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