how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
