I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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