Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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