ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
