You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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