I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize