the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
