THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
