Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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