i just wanna soil my oats bro
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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