I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize