So drunk its hurt
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize