the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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