doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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