my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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