I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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