I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
