I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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