my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
