Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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