Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
