hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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