so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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