Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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