I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
