Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
