if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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