I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
