I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
