So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I miss vodka workout Fridays
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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