My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
